everyone I know goes away in the end

Have you seen Johnny Cash's take on "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails? The music video is stunning, sobering, saddening. When watching it recently, I was struck by the way the film depicts Johnny in his very own memento mori still life, especially during verse 2 (from 1:45 to 2:30 on the youtube video link above; embedding has been disabled for that video, so you have to go to youtube to see it).

There is a long and varied art tradition of memento mori, which is Latin for "remember you shall die." This music video borrows imagery from one chapter of the m.m. tradition - that of the Dutch still life painters, who crammed their paintings with decadent tables, loaded down with the richest food of the day. The lobster, being one of the fanciest food of the time, made a lot of appearances, as it does in the music video.

On the surface, these paintings seem to simply celebrate the abundance and luxury life has to offer. However, often a skull or an hour glass would appear along with the food to remind the viewer that, even in the midst of such abundance, time marches on. If left on the table for a few days, the food would begin to decay. The moral of these works was this: Though today you feast, remember that decay, that inevitable and inexorable force, will have its effect, not only on food - but on you. On your body, on your mind, on your life... and as the Borg would say, resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

The video mimics these Dutch paintings perfectly. Johnny sits at a table laden with lobster, caviar, and fish. Even the lighting and coloring of this scene borrows from the feel of the Dutch still life(s). But as one close-up shot of the fish demonstrates, the point is not to emphasize Johnny's wealth and luxurious lifestyle, but to emphasize that death lurks in the midst of wealth and luxury. The fish lies cold on the table, eyes unseeing, dead. The lobster too is stock still, unmoving, dead. The man sitting near them will one day die, and sooner rather than later at his age. Johnny's imminent death is the theme that the video hammers home as the intensity of pounding piano chords grows and then slowly ebbs away, until Johnny closes the piano cover in silence - and doesn't it feel like the closing of a coffin? All of the experiences he had, the fame he enjoyed, the possessions that fame enabled him to buy - they are fleeting. His "empire of dirt" is crumbling, illustrated by a shot of a "Sorry, we're closed" sign on the door of the Cash Museum.

This portrait of the mortal Johnny results in one very somber video. It makes people cry. It has made me cry. I've been thinking about how it could be used in church, and I've concluded that I would show this music video during the Ash Wednesday service as a way of illustrating the refrain of that holy day: "Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return." Even if your name is Johnny Cash.

p.s. The director Mark Romanek says here,

"This [concept] is completely and utterly alien to what videos are supposed to be. Videos are supposed to be eye candy — hip and cool and all about youth and energy. This one is about someone [moving] toward the twilight of his career, this powerful, legendary figure who is dealing with issues and emotions you're not used to encountering in videos."

change beneath the surface

When it comes to vocation, I'm looking for the thing in life that grips me with an "I was made to do this" and therefore an "I have to do this," followed by a quick prayer of "please please please let this happen." I want to feel like something is at stake if things don't work out, something I want so much that I'd leave behind life as I know it to make it happen. I felt a flash of that towards an opportunity a few weeks ago, only to have it evaporate as quickly as it had entered my field of vision. Tonight looking over a suggestion a friend sent my way, I felt an inkling of "maybe..." followed by growing enthusiasm as I put together the pieces of "well this fits in with this and that and this and that..." I'm learning that not putting my eggs in one basket doesn't mean never getting excited about possibilities. Looking into possibilities still moves us forward, even if they don't "work out" the way we thought they might. When it comes to discerning vocation, moving ahead feels like the most important thing, because as Bob Bland of TMI lore used to say (and probably still says every summer), "God can't steer a parked car." However, I am reminded tonight that things may be moving forward even contrary to appearances. Sometimes feeling "stuck" in and of itself is a form of moving forward. The water may appear to be still and stagnant, but suddenly movement can surface and reveal itself, and you see how things have been changing beyond your... field of vision.

This reminds me of a little book I'd recommend called Focusing by Eugene Gendlin. I was a bit wary when it was assigned as reading in my Pastoral Care class, b/c it emphasizes getting in touch with the wisdom that is located in your body, which sounded strange and possibly New Age-y to me, but having read the book and tried the practice (and worked with a couple of spiritual directors who use it), I've found it extremely helpful. Gendlin emphasizes that if we have a problem, stopping and focusing on it and identifying it - naming it - moves us forward, even if externally the problem remains the same. We have a sense of release, because we recognize it now for what it is; it doesn't lurk beneath the surface controlling us and our reactions. We experience a "body shift" that frees up all the energy that was spent on that subconscious problem. Now we can think creatively about how to deal with the problem, because we aren't trying to avoid facing it head-on out of fear. (Some of this stuff only makes sense after you've read the book.)

small steps

Blogs have come to occupy a different space in people's lives since the advent of Facebook. Back when I joined Xanga, it was the major way I kept in touch with friends from college and found out about their lives. Now that FB has taken over, blogs seem a bit more specialized. Since we already have a forum for the more mundane happenings of life, a blog needs a bit more of a niche... more of a reason to exist. I'm not sure that I know yet what the purpose of this one is, but I want to find out, and that will require a little testing of the waters.

As the title of this blog suggests, I am on a journey - in more ways than one. The day I took the picture below (the one of the mossy door) was an amazing day that I spent hiking by myself on the shore of Lake Windermere. In its quiet, unassuming way, that day marked a big step in my life and a beginning of sorts... towards finding my way in God's world, amidst all the choices and options that are out there for me, among all the voices telling me what I might or ought to do with my time on earth. Finding one's true vocation in this world can be a difficult and confusing journey. It's not one straight line from Point A to Point B, despite our best efforts to order it just so. I want to share what I find along the way. I believe that Tolkein is right - the little steps we take each day end up propelling us most of the way in life. God grant us the grace we need to order those small steps rightly.

in each of its chapters, life takes on new flavors. tonight I thought to myself, right now I'm just trying to follow God's will in my life without going crazy. I also thought, where I am in life right now will bear much fruit. perhaps it does so even now. I know I am doing the right thing by being here, but that doesn't mean that it is easy or that I feel "together" or "with it" or "in control." On the contrary, I often feel like life is spinning just a bit beyond of my control. Doing the right thing does not always make one feel more "together." If anything, it can make one feel the opposite way, because we're aiming at something that's quite difficult to hit, and our lives ends up showing their ragged edges in the process. by aiming at what is right, good, and our bounden duty, we see ever more clearly and painfully the ways in which we do not measure up. But we mustn't let that awareness of our shortcomings discourage us. Awareness itself is a step in the right direction, because then we see where we need God all the more than ever before; then we start to see the direction in which we need to head... we begin to see the way that is before us, in which we are called to walk. Then we are able to call out, O God, make speed to save me; O Lord, make haste to help me.

night prayer

Lord, it is night.

The night is for stillness.

Let us be still in the presence of God.

It is night after a long day.

What has been done has been done;

what has not been done has not been done;

let it be.

The night is dark.

let our fears of the darkness of the world

and our own lives

rest in you.

The night is quiet.

Let the quietness of your peace enfold us,

all dear to us,

and all who have no peace.

The night heralds the dawn.

Let us look expectantly to a new day,

new joys,

new possibilities.

In your name we pray.

Amen.

health (s)care

I just had a little health "scare." I went to the doctor b/c I was still feeling under the weather, almost 2 months after being diagnosed with mono. He decided to run a bunch of tests, b/c he's a thorough doctor (quite a good doctor from my brief impressions so far). those tests, however, included tests for scary things like leukemia.  The lab girl took 6 vials of blood (count em, 6). I spent the week between the bloodletting and the follow-up appointment twiddling my thumbs... running through scenarios in my mind... trying to not run through said scenarios in my mind... watching "House" episodes with their parade of random, obscure illnesses that turn into other obscure illnesses on the spot and regretting it b/c it only fueled the "bad news" scenarios. I waited for Wednesday at 3:45pm to see which scenario would actually unfold.

Well, it's Wednesday at 5:30pm, and the "scare" is over, trumped by all good news. all my major organs are functioning normally, no major illnesses, and my bad cholesterol count is extremely  low. Tests only show that I have definitely had mono lately. I have to admit, I was freaked out about getting the results from these tests. This time it just hit home, what with the combo of watching too many medical dramas, knowing some people my age who have been diagnosed with serious illnesses, and being on my own in St. Pete's with no peer-aged friends, a new doctor, and loads of time alone in my new apartment to let my imagination run wild. But it's all good news. I'm off the hook, left to just wait for my residual mono symptoms to run their course for another month or so.

This has all got me thinking, though, maybe because I will probably do a chaplaincy program in a hospital sometime soon, about our conflicted relationship with our own bodies. how strange it is to have something wrong with the thing that is physically closest to you, your body, but to have to wait for someone "out there" to do tests in a lab and tell you what is going on inside your own body. the way that our bodies betray us when they get sick and malfunction. the way that in doing so they can thwart our hopes and dreams for the future, and it can all be over, whether slowly or suddenly. One day during this past week of waiting, in a flurry of anxiety, I said almost out loud to myself, "I just want to get through life without dying." Then I had to laugh at the irony of it. I do wish that it were possible.

It is funny; to me the resurrection is probably the central Christian belief, and yet when faced with a small chance that my body was in trouble, that hope seemed so faint and far away. I was forced to realize how cerebral my belief is, how ungrounded in true testing it often is. Theory versus reality. perhaps it is time to pray for help with my unbelief. perhaps it is time to pray for real-er, more grounded faith about my body and God's intentions for it, which to me are abundantly clear in the following two passages...

I know that my Redeemer lives,

and that in the end he will stand upon the earth.

And after my skin has been destroyed,

yet in my flesh I will see God;

I myself will see him

with my own eyes—I, and not another.

How my heart yearns within me!

-- Job 19

My heart is glad and my soul rejoices,

my body also rests secure.

For you will not abandon me to the grave,

or let your faithful one see decay.

-- Psalm 16

opine, please!

I have a little decorating contest to share with you. Well, it's more like I need some opinions. I recently bought three awesome chairs (there was no fourth) at the Salvation Army to go with a round, drop leaf table I got at a local thrift store known as Two Sisters and a Naked Dog. (great place, tho I feel bad for the dog, who is real and who is naked... hairless, actually.)

These chairs are an awesome retro design that I really like. They're the real deal, not from Target, made from real wood with some weight to it, and they were $5 each! I don't love the fabric on them, which is great, because it gives me an excuse to figure out something I've wanted to learn for awhile: how to recover a chair. This leads me to my dilemma; over the past two days I've made two trips to Joann Fabric, and I still can't decide which fabric to use on these chairs... In part I'm having a hard time deciding because I'm overthinking the need for these to "fit in" with the other colors/patterns in my living room (these are in the "breakfast nook" which is just off of the living room through a wide arched doorway). I have greens/blues/khakis with highlights of orange and turquoise in the living room (so far anyway... but it still has a long way to go, esp on the floor and on the walls, since both are currently bare). I might use one of these chairs in the living room as a desk chair, so at the least it should not clash horribly.

living room:

anyway, here are the three current candidates for my chair fabric (I went for the green family, b/c that's what stood out to me):

1.
this one is nice... it's whimsical, a little folk artsy. The best reason for this one is that it matches colors I am already using elsewhere, so it would fit in nicely. I think the colors are a little on the bland side, though.

2.
I love this one; it just grabbed me. It's bold and fun. I think the geometric design would complement the design of the chair, since both are a bit retro...

3.
this design is beautiful, I really love it... the thing is, the walls of the breakfast nook are already a sage green color, so I think it wouldn't pop.

so, whaddya think??? please tell me your vote... esp you, my artistic friend Carrie, since your opinion will be highly valued (plus you may be the only one reading this blog! :)

living by myself

I have been living in my apartment in St. Pete's for about three weeks. On the 10th of November it'll be one month since my lease began. However, I only started sleeping here on the 16th because that was the day my bed was delivered, so I've been staying here overnight only about 11 days. and since then I've spent at least 3 nights staying over at someone else's house due to very late baseball games. In some sense I already feel like I've lived here a long time, but sometimes at night I feel like I'm sleeping somewhere unfamiliar. I have never lived alone before now; I have always had a roomate since I left for college, or I lived with a family. I feel very safe living here, because I'm on the second floor and have two locks for my door - no need for an alarm anymore.

In the evening I don't feel isolated because the tennis courts, which are half a block from my apartment, are lit up so that a few players can hit around. It's so close I can hear the sound of the tennis ball hitting the rackets and the murmur of players or spectators talking to each other. I can't make out their words, but I can hear their voices. I can sit at my living room windows and watch the tennis game. It's kind of nice to have them out there to keep me company.

I love my new place... the hardwood floors, the wide molding around windows and doors, the fussy old crank out windows, the breeze off the bay that flows through my windows. It's still a work in progress; I have a stack of about 25 cardboard boxes waiting to be picked up tomorrow morning by someone from freecycle. It's funny how progress in setting up my apartment is so linear. First get all the stuff out of the boxes... then get all the boxes off of couch #1 by posting boxes on freecycle. have a couple of offers that never work out so post boxes on freecycle a second time and hope this person shows. once the boxes are gone, then reattach the feet on coach #1 so that it can be listed on craig's list. list couch on craig's list so that the tv stand can be moved into the corner. once the tv stand is in the corner, then another bookcase can join the household. once another bookcase is here, then there'll be space for a writing desk.

I only like buying things that I know I need... that I know will fit some corner or shelf or purpose in my apartment. I like buying slowly, gradually, sequentially, so that I can be sure that each purchase is necessary and fitting. Well, that's how I operate most of the time. Other days I throw caution to the wind and end up at the store with no particular purchase in mind and get whatever jumps off the shelf as something I would possibly have put on a list, if I had made a list beforehand. I especially like the Dollar Store or Big Lots for these kinds of shopping trips... because you know you're almost always getting a good deal. I really like browsing by myself. sometimes I like it browsing better than buying, because you can just let your imagination go instead of thinking about whether or not it'll really work or whether it costs too much or whether there is anything else better out there. Today I browsed at Target and ended up with a new floor lamp for the youth room at church and some frozen dinners for dinner. Now I'm home and night has fallen, but those tennis players are just getting warmed up.

moss & stone

The picture above is from one of my few days traveling alone during my whole trip to England. I was in Oxford, restless, done revisiting that city but not sure where to go next or how to get there. I was longing to go north, and I kept thinking of the beautiful youth hostel where we stayed during Wheaton-in-England that sits right on the edge of Lake Windermere. At 10am I left the youth hostel in Oxford with my pack, walked to the train station not sure what would happen. I asked about getting to Windermere and was told that if I took the next train to Birmingham and switched trains a couple of times, I could be there by midafternoon. I paid and took the train to Windermere and then took the youth hostel shuttle to Ambleside.

During my one full day there I took a boat/hike trip, where a lake cruise boat took me across the lake and dropped me off at a remote dock next to an old boathouse, and I then hiked along the edge of the lake for several miles until I reached another boat cruise stop where I could be picked up. It was a typical Lake District Day - gray clouds and mist hovering over and around the green fields that border the lake, a little drizzle here and there, and a few moments of sunshine now and again. I had planned on doing this excursion but that day I hesitated to buy my ticket, worried the rain would pick up and I'd be left stranded on a remote edge of a lake with a couple hours of hiking through the rain ahead of me. But I dreaded the prospect of spending my one full day sitting inside the youth hostel. I was a little tempted to curl up with a Jane Austen novel and consider it a "stay inside and read and drink tea" day, but my room didn't even have a lake view, so if I did that, I could have been anywhere. Determined to not be paralyzed by indecision (which was a big issue for me when traveling by myself), I marched over to the ticket office, got my ticket, and hopped on the boat to begin my adventure for the day.

This picture is the bottom of the door of an old boathouse, many of which sit along the lakeside hidden in coves and under the low branches of trees. While the boathouse looked so old and battered and "in need of a makeover" by tv standards, it also drew me towards it with its humble, beautiful, stone architecture and this little door on one of its side walls. I loved this door - its age, the layers of paint peeling off and the spreading moss and mold adding their own colors, the dampness of the air seeping into the wood, and that strange little keyhole, installed so low that I had to kneel on the ground to get level with it. For some reason the builder put that keyhole only a few inches from the ground. I loved the mood of the grey gloomy day and of the mysterious stone buildings, sitting there by the lake alone, no longer in use as far as I could tell. I wished I could slip inside and dangle my feet over the water that lapped under their slate roofs. I wished I could know the stories that lie behind a door like this.

Below is a link to an album of other pictures from this day of solitude. Despite the gray, it was a beautiful day... probably because of the gray weather, actually.

Ambleside Revisited

time & traveling

the quote in this blog's title comes from JRR Tolkien. traveling has been one of my great loves since I was 15. before that, I think I had only been on a plane once, to visit DC on an 8th grade trip. I feel like my life has been one great adventure since I got on the second plane of my life to go to Nepal 11 years ago... sometimes it has felt like progress has been made made a little at a time, as Tolkien suggests, at other times the progress seems to be of epic proportions in a short amount of time. It is dizzying to think that a few months ago I was graduating, and then I was in England... and now I'm in Florida with a place of my own getting to know St. Pete's. the past can seem so far away when the blur of transit has been rushing past you for months on end. now that I'm here in Florida, though, the blur slows to reveal daily life again... I'm reveling in not having to pack my bags every night :)

have you ever been asked whether you're a past, present, or future oriented kind of person? I'm pretty sure I'm future oriented. I realized the other day I don't tend to think about staying places. I tend to treat the places where I live as temporary, as stops along the way... as another albergue along the camino. I think there are both good things and bad things about that. the bad part is that I can end up acting like a tourist, as Amy Laura Hall warned us against at Duke Div. or I can come across as thinking I'm above daily, mundane life... which no one can avoid, no matter what stage of life or circumstances they are in... at least not eventually, even if they seem to be living their fantasy life. I think the good part is that being future-oriented can also make you purposeful and focused, if you can figure out how to bridge the distance between your present and the future that you envision. I'm still working on that... and grateful that I'm not on my own trying to craft the perfect plan to achieve my vision for my life. if anything, I look back and am amazed at how I ended up where I am. I would never dare explain how I got here as simply the fruit of my own efforts. surely there is a bigger plan, a greater vision, at work.