Now far ahead the road has gone, and whither then? I cannot say. - Tolkein

The last movie I saw in the theater was Julie & Julia. I really liked it. I enjoyed seeing a movie where women played the lead roles rather than just accoutrements or the romantic interests of a leading male character. I also enjoyed how the film delved into their attempts to discover and live out their vocation.

Take Julie. What she really wants to do is write. Instead, she works in a cubicle, answering phone calls from distraught and angry family members of those who died on 9/11. It is an exhausting and thankless job. She has another thing she really wants to do: cook. So she decides to, even if it means doing so in the little free time she has left over after work. She sets herself a daunting goal that combines both of her interests: to cook through Julia Childs' cooking book in one year and blog about it. That's 524 recipes in 365 days. To meet her goal, Julie has to carve out space and time, set goals, and deal with the challenges and friction this new "hobby" creates in the rest of her life, particularly in her marriage. She is sometimes discouraged and misunderstood, but working towards this goal is more satisfying for her than anything she did before, because she is finally simply doing what she loves. In the end, much to her surprise, this little project becomes the ticket to her dream of becoming a published writer.

Take Julia. She is living in France, the wife of a diplomat, listless, looking for something to do since she cannot fill her days with the role she longs to take up, that of a mother. Her husband, looking to steer her towards some new pastime, asks her a simple question: "What is it you really like to do?" She tells him, "Eat!" And with that, Julia begins to discover her love for cooking as more than just a hobby; she determines to learn how to cook just as well as the men studying to become professional chefs in Paris. She takes up her newfound purpose despite the significant opposition and discouragement that she encounters along the way. For much of the movie it looks as though her success will be limited; the moment when she discovers that her book will be published is so exciting precisely because it seemed that such a moment would never arrive.

Both of these women had to swim upstream as they chased after their vocations. They weren't handed their vocation in a kit; each one had to patch it together in unexpected and unconventional ways. Who would advise a young aspiring writer to start a blog about her cooking endeavors as the way to get published? Who would have ever predicted when Julia first took cooking classes in Paris that she would become a household name with her own cooking tv show? Not a soul. Not even Julie or Julia. And yet that is what happened to these real-life women. And one woman took her inspiration from the example of the other, which adds so much beauty to this movie, as it interweaves these two stories, showing how the first story ripples outwards until it sets the second off on its way. Julie puts it more dramatically: "I was drowning, and she pulled me out of the ocean."

I find much in this movie to learn about how vocation unfolds in a person's life. I see in these two women's stories how unpredictable and uncalculated that process can be. Calculation should not be abandoned, but it is so rarely the deciding factor in the best stories out there. The stories of vocation to which we find ourselves drawn are often told by folks who say, I didn't set out to end up where I did, but by grace I ended up there nonetheless. And they are grateful they ended up where they did, even though it was not their intended destination on the day they took their first step over the threshold of the familiar and out onto the way. I for one am encouraged by how, for these two women, the whole picture became something greater than the sum of the parts of their lives. I take comfort in the way that for years no one could see that whole picture, because all the parts were busy arranging and rearranging themselves until they finally fit into a beautiful mosaic. I reflect on which stories have have sent out ripples that nudged me out onto my own path, and I wonder where this path will lead - if it ends up being a good story, surely it will lead somewhere other than where I expect.

snapshot

of my evening.

tea lights lit in the window sill,

keeping watch for me and for whoever else might see them.

keep watch with those who work or watch or weep this night.

It is what you read when you don't have to that determines what you will be when you can't help it. ~Oscar Wilde

When I was a kid, I read like crazy. I was, as adults would have said and probably did, an "avid" reader. Some of the books and characters I loved:

that endearing double set of twins, the Bobbseys.

another set of four siblings, the intrepid and resourceful Boxcar Children, who could have kept living in a train car in the woods the rest of their lives if they'd wanted to, but there were mysteries to solve!

Encyclopedia Brown. what a whiz, using math to solve mysteries.

the Babysitter Club, to which I liked to believe I belonged. remember the extra long "Super Specials" when they went on a special trip, and each chapter was narrated by a different character, with their name printed at the top of the chapter in their handwriting?

Nancy Drew.

Nancy's male counterparts, the Hardy boys.

a dream come true - the books that blurred the limits of the written page, as Nancy Drew and the two Hardy brothers stepped into the same story to solve a mystery together. To me this indicated that they really did live in the same universe, as I had always hoped they did. I wonder if Nancy ever ended up with one of the brothers or if she went back to Ned.

Apparently I had a thing for serial books; I never thought of it that way until now. And now that I think about it, I still like reading series; right now I'm working Susan Howatch's six Church of England novels. (they're better than they might sound.) but I swear that I also read books that weren't part of series when I was a kid. I also seemed to love books starring pioneer girls.

Little House on the Prairie. (ok, right, that's also a series.) These books probably shaped me and my ideals more than anything else. When Frontier House premiered on PBS, I practically drooled. I disdained that family from southern California on the show who would never appreciate the chance to live like a pioneer like I would have. they didn't do half bad, though, in the end.

Sarah Plain and Tall. not my favorite book but I had a lot in common with the main character (same first name, from Maine, so willing to try out pioneer life that she became a mail-order bride), so I felt I owed it to her to read her book. on the other hand, we weren't entirely alike. she was plain and tall. the second attribute didn't apply to me, and I hoped the first one didn't, either.

not exactly pioneer girls, but close enough. I remember checking out Little Women with great pride from the little library at Windham Christian Academy when I was maybe in 2nd grade. With great pride because I liked the way it shocked some adults, who didn't believe a girl my age could read such a long book. If I remember correctly, I returned it half-read. guess I was too young. I suspect I got bored because they were too genteel and not pioneer-y enough for my taste.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

There were hundreds of other books to which I lent my imagination, but those come to mind first. I remember hours on my checked white and blue bedspread reading in the light of the late afternoon sun (I had a north facing bedroom). I chose to spend my free time reading whenever I could. maybe I read seemingly endless book series (Babysitter Club books surpassed #130) because it meant I'd never run out of books I liked reading.

After that nostalgic look back, one might wonder what has become of this favorite pastime. The truth is my reading life is in a sad and sorry state. Other things (primarily the device on which I type this post) command my attention much more often than a book. My default time-spender is no longer a paperback but a laptop. I'm working to change that, though. I started with strategy #1 this past week: a good reading chair with a footstool to boot.

My next strategy may be a 2010 New Year's Resolution to read a book a week. Making an annual resolution has only worked for me once, but I think this is doable. I'm inspired in part by Julie of "Julie and Julia." If she can cook through Julie's book in a year, surely I can read one book a week. She had to slave over a hot stove in the kitchen; I've just got to sit here.

lego iam!

(I wanted to figure out how to say "let the reading begin," but because the subtleties of English-to-Latin translation are eluding me, for now I'll stick with this: "read now!")

sarah's list (of fun ways to trade/barter things online)

1. Craig's List

Over the past few years I have used Craig's List a lot and am one happy camper. In the past week I've sold a headset (a bluetooth earpiece), an old camera, and two stools on CL. In the past I've also used Craig's List to sell a a prom dress, a couch, and a papasan chair (which will live on in my memory, as much as it disappointed my expectations about the papasan in general). Tonight I posted a couple new ads. My philosophy is to put the ad out there at whatever price I want and keep reposting it until someone bites, since I'm not in a rush to get the cash.

The brilliance of Craig's List especially shone through when I was selling a sleeper couch that I had bought at a thrift store against my better judgment. I knew I didn't really like it, but it was cheap, and I was in a hurry to move in and set up my first solo apartment. A couple weeks later, when I found my dream couch for sale at Salvation Army, I became the owner of a two-couch living room. I posted couch #1 on Craig's List and waited... and waited... and waited. I live on the second floor of an old building, which has only a stairwell in the back of the building for moving furniture up and down floors, so it's a beast to get furniture in and out of my apartment. After a while, I despaired that anyone would answer my ad. I thought about calling Salvation Army, because at least they would take it off my hands (and out of the apartment and down the back stairs) for free. But then, finally, someone replied to my ad, and a couple of days later, I watched gleefully as someone *paid me* to remove the couch from my living room and free up the space so I could pursue my decorative dreams. And that is the beauty of Craig's List.

2. Freecycle

Freecycle is a similar idea of people in a local area trading things, but in this case no money changes hands. You offer things you want to give away for free, things for which someone could still find a use. I've used freecycle mostly for giving things away, not for getting things, b/c there's usually only one of each thing listed, and you might reply to an ad along with 10 other people, and it's up to the poster to decide to whom to give the item. Then you have to drive somewhere random in your area to pick it up. I think the only thing I've received from freecycle is a three hole punch, b/c a lady in a nearby neighborhood offered me one in response to my "wanted" request. Freecycle is wonderful; it embodies the saying "one man's trash is another man's treasure." I have posted some odd stuff on freecycle; I've posted cardboard boxes, gold scrivener's ink, and random, outdated computer equipment, and I've always found someone who was eager to come to my place and pick the items up. The only thing I've posted on freecycle that yielded zero response was a set of 4 ice trays for the freezer. I guess even frugal freecyclers already have those.

3. Bookmooch

This is probably my favorite of the three. Bookmooch is not "local" like craig's list and freecycle; it extends across the country and even around the globe. Bookmooch is an online community of people who trade books. Here's how it works: You list 10 books you're willing to give away (you get 1/10 of a Bookmooch point for listing each book). Then you have 1 point with which to request a book you want from an other member's inventory. You request said book, and the other member goes to the post office and pays for it to be sent to you via media mail (or first class, if it's cheaper). Media Mail runs about $2.50 a book. Now, you don't directly reimburse the other member, b/c the other member gets your 1 point, and with it they can request a book from another member, and it's sent to them at no cost to them. This way there is no trading of $ between members; you pay whenever you send a book, and then you can get a free book sent to you. You also create a wishlist of books you want, and then you are notified when they become available. It's pretty brilliant.

If BM has a downside, it's that the inventory is limited to the books that other members have available to be "mooched;" you might not find books that interest you right off the bat. Again, this site works best if you can be patient. It's not usually good for finding the exact book you need before your class begins in the fall (although that did happen to me with Housekeeping for our ethics class in seminary!). In the three years I've been a member, I have given away 40 books I no longer wanted and have received 43 books I did want, each for about $2.50! Sounds like a deal to me. Most recently I got a copy of Interpreter of Maladies by Jhumpa Lahiri, whose short stories and novels I love. I also got Susan Howatch's entire 6-novel Church of England series through BookMooch; I need to get started on reading #3 next.

everyone I know goes away in the end

Have you seen Johnny Cash's take on "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails? The music video is stunning, sobering, saddening. When watching it recently, I was struck by the way the film depicts Johnny in his very own memento mori still life, especially during verse 2 (from 1:45 to 2:30 on the youtube video link above; embedding has been disabled for that video, so you have to go to youtube to see it).

There is a long and varied art tradition of memento mori, which is Latin for "remember you shall die." This music video borrows imagery from one chapter of the m.m. tradition - that of the Dutch still life painters, who crammed their paintings with decadent tables, loaded down with the richest food of the day. The lobster, being one of the fanciest food of the time, made a lot of appearances, as it does in the music video.

On the surface, these paintings seem to simply celebrate the abundance and luxury life has to offer. However, often a skull or an hour glass would appear along with the food to remind the viewer that, even in the midst of such abundance, time marches on. If left on the table for a few days, the food would begin to decay. The moral of these works was this: Though today you feast, remember that decay, that inevitable and inexorable force, will have its effect, not only on food - but on you. On your body, on your mind, on your life... and as the Borg would say, resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.

The video mimics these Dutch paintings perfectly. Johnny sits at a table laden with lobster, caviar, and fish. Even the lighting and coloring of this scene borrows from the feel of the Dutch still life(s). But as one close-up shot of the fish demonstrates, the point is not to emphasize Johnny's wealth and luxurious lifestyle, but to emphasize that death lurks in the midst of wealth and luxury. The fish lies cold on the table, eyes unseeing, dead. The lobster too is stock still, unmoving, dead. The man sitting near them will one day die, and sooner rather than later at his age. Johnny's imminent death is the theme that the video hammers home as the intensity of pounding piano chords grows and then slowly ebbs away, until Johnny closes the piano cover in silence - and doesn't it feel like the closing of a coffin? All of the experiences he had, the fame he enjoyed, the possessions that fame enabled him to buy - they are fleeting. His "empire of dirt" is crumbling, illustrated by a shot of a "Sorry, we're closed" sign on the door of the Cash Museum.

This portrait of the mortal Johnny results in one very somber video. It makes people cry. It has made me cry. I've been thinking about how it could be used in church, and I've concluded that I would show this music video during the Ash Wednesday service as a way of illustrating the refrain of that holy day: "Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return." Even if your name is Johnny Cash.

p.s. The director Mark Romanek says here,

"This [concept] is completely and utterly alien to what videos are supposed to be. Videos are supposed to be eye candy — hip and cool and all about youth and energy. This one is about someone [moving] toward the twilight of his career, this powerful, legendary figure who is dealing with issues and emotions you're not used to encountering in videos."

change beneath the surface

When it comes to vocation, I'm looking for the thing in life that grips me with an "I was made to do this" and therefore an "I have to do this," followed by a quick prayer of "please please please let this happen." I want to feel like something is at stake if things don't work out, something I want so much that I'd leave behind life as I know it to make it happen. I felt a flash of that towards an opportunity a few weeks ago, only to have it evaporate as quickly as it had entered my field of vision. Tonight looking over a suggestion a friend sent my way, I felt an inkling of "maybe..." followed by growing enthusiasm as I put together the pieces of "well this fits in with this and that and this and that..." I'm learning that not putting my eggs in one basket doesn't mean never getting excited about possibilities. Looking into possibilities still moves us forward, even if they don't "work out" the way we thought they might. When it comes to discerning vocation, moving ahead feels like the most important thing, because as Bob Bland of TMI lore used to say (and probably still says every summer), "God can't steer a parked car." However, I am reminded tonight that things may be moving forward even contrary to appearances. Sometimes feeling "stuck" in and of itself is a form of moving forward. The water may appear to be still and stagnant, but suddenly movement can surface and reveal itself, and you see how things have been changing beyond your... field of vision.

This reminds me of a little book I'd recommend called Focusing by Eugene Gendlin. I was a bit wary when it was assigned as reading in my Pastoral Care class, b/c it emphasizes getting in touch with the wisdom that is located in your body, which sounded strange and possibly New Age-y to me, but having read the book and tried the practice (and worked with a couple of spiritual directors who use it), I've found it extremely helpful. Gendlin emphasizes that if we have a problem, stopping and focusing on it and identifying it - naming it - moves us forward, even if externally the problem remains the same. We have a sense of release, because we recognize it now for what it is; it doesn't lurk beneath the surface controlling us and our reactions. We experience a "body shift" that frees up all the energy that was spent on that subconscious problem. Now we can think creatively about how to deal with the problem, because we aren't trying to avoid facing it head-on out of fear. (Some of this stuff only makes sense after you've read the book.)

small steps

Blogs have come to occupy a different space in people's lives since the advent of Facebook. Back when I joined Xanga, it was the major way I kept in touch with friends from college and found out about their lives. Now that FB has taken over, blogs seem a bit more specialized. Since we already have a forum for the more mundane happenings of life, a blog needs a bit more of a niche... more of a reason to exist. I'm not sure that I know yet what the purpose of this one is, but I want to find out, and that will require a little testing of the waters.

As the title of this blog suggests, I am on a journey - in more ways than one. The day I took the picture below (the one of the mossy door) was an amazing day that I spent hiking by myself on the shore of Lake Windermere. In its quiet, unassuming way, that day marked a big step in my life and a beginning of sorts... towards finding my way in God's world, amidst all the choices and options that are out there for me, among all the voices telling me what I might or ought to do with my time on earth. Finding one's true vocation in this world can be a difficult and confusing journey. It's not one straight line from Point A to Point B, despite our best efforts to order it just so. I want to share what I find along the way. I believe that Tolkein is right - the little steps we take each day end up propelling us most of the way in life. God grant us the grace we need to order those small steps rightly.

in each of its chapters, life takes on new flavors. tonight I thought to myself, right now I'm just trying to follow God's will in my life without going crazy. I also thought, where I am in life right now will bear much fruit. perhaps it does so even now. I know I am doing the right thing by being here, but that doesn't mean that it is easy or that I feel "together" or "with it" or "in control." On the contrary, I often feel like life is spinning just a bit beyond of my control. Doing the right thing does not always make one feel more "together." If anything, it can make one feel the opposite way, because we're aiming at something that's quite difficult to hit, and our lives ends up showing their ragged edges in the process. by aiming at what is right, good, and our bounden duty, we see ever more clearly and painfully the ways in which we do not measure up. But we mustn't let that awareness of our shortcomings discourage us. Awareness itself is a step in the right direction, because then we see where we need God all the more than ever before; then we start to see the direction in which we need to head... we begin to see the way that is before us, in which we are called to walk. Then we are able to call out, O God, make speed to save me; O Lord, make haste to help me.