change beneath the surface

When it comes to vocation, I'm looking for the thing in life that grips me with an "I was made to do this" and therefore an "I have to do this," followed by a quick prayer of "please please please let this happen." I want to feel like something is at stake if things don't work out, something I want so much that I'd leave behind life as I know it to make it happen. I felt a flash of that towards an opportunity a few weeks ago, only to have it evaporate as quickly as it had entered my field of vision. Tonight looking over a suggestion a friend sent my way, I felt an inkling of "maybe..." followed by growing enthusiasm as I put together the pieces of "well this fits in with this and that and this and that..." I'm learning that not putting my eggs in one basket doesn't mean never getting excited about possibilities. Looking into possibilities still moves us forward, even if they don't "work out" the way we thought they might. When it comes to discerning vocation, moving ahead feels like the most important thing, because as Bob Bland of TMI lore used to say (and probably still says every summer), "God can't steer a parked car." However, I am reminded tonight that things may be moving forward even contrary to appearances. Sometimes feeling "stuck" in and of itself is a form of moving forward. The water may appear to be still and stagnant, but suddenly movement can surface and reveal itself, and you see how things have been changing beyond your... field of vision.

This reminds me of a little book I'd recommend called Focusing by Eugene Gendlin. I was a bit wary when it was assigned as reading in my Pastoral Care class, b/c it emphasizes getting in touch with the wisdom that is located in your body, which sounded strange and possibly New Age-y to me, but having read the book and tried the practice (and worked with a couple of spiritual directors who use it), I've found it extremely helpful. Gendlin emphasizes that if we have a problem, stopping and focusing on it and identifying it - naming it - moves us forward, even if externally the problem remains the same. We have a sense of release, because we recognize it now for what it is; it doesn't lurk beneath the surface controlling us and our reactions. We experience a "body shift" that frees up all the energy that was spent on that subconscious problem. Now we can think creatively about how to deal with the problem, because we aren't trying to avoid facing it head-on out of fear. (Some of this stuff only makes sense after you've read the book.)